Short, for/inspired by Fantasy Fool's Writing Challenge. Something of a character sketch.
Vindictive, murmured the captain, pressed with wilting weariness against tiller, swaying.
Along the shore voices hailed him, and the low hum of sailor’s shanties quivered over the water. ‘Cap’n Zhaim!’ they called. ‘Zhaim, laddie!’ and ‘Ho!’. Still Zhaim kept his head low, profile bleak with moment’s abstraction. Low on the horizon the sun cast shadows and flickering mirage across the sea.
‘Ho laddie!’ The wharf stirred in common commotion; a rust-red kerchief waved above the sun-burnt heads.
Zhaim turned away, hand listing a desultory moment over the tiller - but there was no purpose in his gaze. The ship might go where she would.
“Cap’n sir -”
“Aye?” The captain turned, eyes focused.
Mr. Arran stood, bewildered in mizzen’s thin shade.
“Shall we take her to port, sir?”
For a quivering moment, Zhaim said nothing, and his gaze wandered again as if the present were a distant time. Vindictive, formed his lips.
“Cap’n?”
“No.” Zhaim straightened - “No. Back for open sea, Mr. Arran - for the open, God’s blood, away.”
And ‘ho!’ came from the shore, red-rust waved. ‘Ho, laddie! Cap’n!…’
Stiffened, the captain’s pensivity became conscious, a sudden weary, startled shadow hanging over his features; he watched the horizon, back to the fading calls, threading shanties. His grip over the rail blanched knuckles white.
“Heading, cap’n?” muttered the helmsman, ducking out from below to take the tiller from Arran.
“West.”
Puzzled, Arran turned into the wind, sun-creased features wan beneath the tan.
“West, is it?”
“West.” shrugged the helmsman.
“To port in Chervyak, to Sjever -”
Though voices low, the words carried in the breeze.
“No.” Zhaim recoiled from the side, nearly reeling, “No, not Sjever, Mr. Arran. Bloody well not that thrice-damned country of -” he faltered. “West. West, Turrel - farther West.”
He wheeled away, gaze falling, ashen. Vindictive, he spoke soundlessly, eyes flicking to the fading wharf - the rust-red kerchief still held, blurred, wavering.
“Not Sjever,” he turned, “West, Mr. Arran. West.”
“Aye, sir,” came Turrel’s puzzled acknowledgment.
But Zhaim’s attention had scattered again, gaze turned into the burning horizon.
“You were meant…” he murmured, “Meant…” and the words fell and twisted back. Vindictive.
At Turrel’s side, shadow 'cross his face, Mr. Arran turned pointedly away, creased features sour under Turrel’s quizzical glance. The shore’s amicable murmur was fleeting, tangled in the sea’s peevish breeze. The mizzen groaned under a gust.
“Sjever's his land though, now, i’n’ it?” said Turrel. “Cap’n’s from off West.”
“His land,” Arran said, “Aye, his, don’t you know?”
And this time the wind was crossed and the Captain was bleakly ignorant of the first mate’s muttered gossip. He leaned, brooding into the breeze, eyes watching more than the gilt glamour of dusk across the sea.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Make it longer, please?
I'm seriously loving it!
I think of Trelawney. But this crazy guy is nothing like him. I wouldn't know how to write a character like Trelawney; Arkady is who I know much too well. And that's who I think of when a Russian character comes to mind. No Dostoyevsky counts because people and characters are different. Although that funny guy from Crime and Punishment comes second. RASKOLNIKOV. I nearly forgot.
Anyway, I like Zhaim. Although I dont know how to say his name. He seems so sad for the sea. but thats Trelawney coming out again. He has no vigor, no wild, uncontrollable drive. He wants to kill something, alot, and I dont know what it is. He needs a little help. I'm worried about him.
This is a brilliant character sketch. It's inspired me to try a character sketch myself.
I liked the dialogue--I didn't find it hard to read.
I also liked the names--unrelated to the quality of the story, I guess, but just thought I'd tell you.
Anyway, this could be great if expanded, but it's fine as it is. I loved it.
That would be great. I'd love to see you expand this.
Thanks very much, Rei. ^_^
It may be (ought to be) expanded to a short story rather than merely a sketch - hopefully it won't be quite as abrupt that way.
I thought the dialogue was pretty easy to read. It felt very real.
The whole story, though, seemed a little to quick for me. I like lots of narrative details and images, and I like to be able to take my time enjoying it. This was over all too quickly. Which is too bad, because it seems like you have a really great idea here.
However, even though it lacked detail, I had a really good image in my mind.
Oh no, the description in between was great, it was more of the scattered aspect. Just a little bit hard to follow, the way you spread it out and set it up.
And I do think you should make a short story out of this - it's cool so far. Very neat to read. ^_^
Thanks DD and Fand for the thoughts, very much. ^_^
As to the dialogue - how was it hard to read? The scattered aspect, or the description in between?
Vindictive has a point, relating to Zhaim's memory with the shore near, and something else that's not noted; didn't fit in the short. It might be a bit too obscure in this short context. ^_^''
And Fand: yes, I've thought of making this a short story. It could be, if I can press myself to working on it a bit more.
You really described the captain's actions and attitude great, Imp. ^_~
Some of the dialogue was just a bit hard to read, though, just by virtue of how you set it up... and I'm not sure what exactly where you intending to go with the reptition of vindictive throughout the story...
But in any event, very pretty, a really good read. Wonderfully done as usual, Imp. ^_^
Hey there, Imp! This is really a fantastic little piece - I've never been any good at character sketches, and that someone could pull off one as great as this is pretty awe-inspiring. I only found one correction:
This part below was definitely my favorite; between the dialogue and Zhaim's body language, it just all fit beautifully. I know it's just a character sketch, but have you considered maybe turning this into a short story, or even something a little longer?